I Need a Drink
by Distinguishable Cataclysm
Summary: A funny FF7 humor! It's wierd. R&R please thanks.


  


I Need a Drink

  
  
  


Back on the humor scene once more with this unofficial follow-up to Ham Yum Tums. This once is darker, dirtier, and edgier. Includes more wit, a plot, loads of sexual innuendo, alcohol, pick-up lines, and a barrelful of laughs. Laughs come a lot easier when things are coherent! Tell your friends! Read and review please! Thanks.

  
  


(It is Midgar, around the time of, say, Final Fantasy VII. Everybody, which includes a host of people, is in Tifa's Seventh Heaven bar.)

  


Cloud: So, how's everybody doing today?

  


Barret: I'm doing (hic) just fine! I would have been a lot better if somebody didn't (hic) serve me this goddamned chocolate beer! (hic)

  


Yuffie: (hee hee)

  


Barret: What you laughing at? DID YOU PUT THAT IN MY BEER?

  


Yuffie: Hee, yes. (hee hee)

  


Barret: Why you little &^&*^ &&^&*!

  


Cloud: Clam up, Barret.

  


Barret: You'd think she could say anythin' she wants. Cloud, ya foo'! I want my money!

  


Cloud: (sigh). Sheesh.

  


Cid: Just shut up and drink your damn TEA! God, Barret, you smell like a bunch of lousy...(sniff) HEY, where's my BEER????

  


Barret: I didn't have nothing to not do without it.

  


Yuffie: Huh? (thinks)

  


Cloud: I'm not gonna even ask.

  


Scarlet: I didn't take the beer.

  


Heidigger: Nor did I! I was too busy going "Gya ha ha" to take anything.

  
  


Don Corneo: I could have used that free beer.

  


Barret: Whassat, old man?

  


Cid: Huh? Hey, old man?

  


Don Corneo: Hey, I'm NOT an old man. And I didn't say nothin'. I was just tryin' out my pickup lines.

  


Scarlet: Yeah. And all of them are older than Vincent's jock itch. Kya ha ha!

  


Heidigger: Gya ha ha.

  


Vincent: Ha ha. Very funny. I could murder you both if I wanted to.

  


Heidigger: You couldn't hit the broad side of a-WHOAH!

  


(Heidigger gets his ass handed to him on a plate)

  


Vincent: Told ya.

  


Cid: Vincent, hand over my beer.

  


Vincent: I don't have your beer, you anal shmuck.

  


Cid: Whaaaat? Shmuck? Why you dirty...

  


Barret: Cid! Shut the ^&&&^&^& up! Jes' cool it the ***&^&^**%*&*%*& down, ok?

  


Cid: Eh, shaddap. So, who's got my drink? I NEED A DRINK.

  


Barret: I dunno.

  


Cid: Where's my drink?

  


Barret: I JES' TOLD YOU, I D-oh *(&*^*(*^. I gotta piss.

  


(everyone sighs and rolls eyes in unison)

  


Barret: It ain't such a big deal, ya googly mooglies! (runs into the bathroom stall)

  


(Pissing sound starts)

  


Yuffie: GAWD, that's annoying

  
  


Barret: That's what you get for giving me chocolate beer!

  


(Tinkle tinkle flood flood)

  


Barret: I'm taking a really loud piss, thank you very much!

  


Cid: So, um, where's my drink

  


Barret: I'M TAKING A REALLY LONG PISS, YA SHMUCK!

  


Cid: Okay, you no-brained-shmuck.

  


Barret: I heard that.

  


Vincent: I don't know about you, but I could go window-shopping for some hookers.

  


(Everyone looks at Vincent)

  


Vincent: Oh yeah, I mean, "..."

  


Barret: I'M TAKING A REALLY LONG PISS, YA SHMUCK!

  


Cloud: So, Cid, where shall we get your drink?

  


Cid: Ask Ms. Ho-err, Tifa to get it.

  


Tifa: I beg your pardon! That really blows my ass.

  


Cid: Believe me, honey, I would like to blow your ass too.

  


Cloud: (chuckles under breath)

  


Cid: Wanna go in the back and get...orgasmic?

  


Cait Sith: WHOOOOOOOAAAAAAA! UNDERAGE! (runs out of the room)

  


Yuffie: WHOOOOOOAAAAA! UNDERAGE! (runs out of room)

  


Barret: I'M TAKING A REALLY LONG PISS, YA SHMUCK!

  


Cid: Anyway, Ms. Hoot-err, Tifa, can you get me a new beer?

  


Tifa: I'm all out, jackass.

  


Cid: Wow, so go get some more, slut.

  


Tifa: I gotta go down to the convenience store, cock-for-brains.

  


Cid: Okie dokie, Hooter Whore.

  


Cloud: What the hell is this, Jerry Springer?

  


Barret: I'M TAKING A REALLY LONG PISS, YA SHMUCK!

  


Vincent: I thought this was supposed to have a PLOT???? Oh yeah, whoops. "..."

  


Cid: There IS a plot, moron! I need a beer.

  


Don Corneo: PICKUP LINE TIME!

  


Cid: Oh DAMN!

  


Don Corneo: Ahem. "You must have a mirror in your daddy must be a can of corn-you must be from Hooters."

  


Cloud: WHAAAAAAAAT?

  


Barret: I'M TAKING A REALLY LONG PISS, YA SHMUCK!

  


Don Corneo: Uh, oops, I think I got my stuff mixed up.

  


Cloud: Damn **^%&^&&ing straight.

  


Cid: HEY! That's my line! Damn &*&**&^&*ing straight.

  


Barret: HEY! That's my line! Damn &^&*^&&^%&ing straight.

  


Cid: (singsong voice) Nooooooooooone goes to Hooooooooooters for the Foooooooooood.

  


Barret: NO ONE GOES TO HOOTERS FOR THE FOOD OR THE FOOTBALL GAMES.

  


THE END


End file.
